The word for the year is simple.

Posted on January 22, 2012 by admin

I’m not the type to make New Year’s Resolutions.

{Mainly because I have no willpower.}

Having said that…I’ve decided to jump on the yearly theme bandwagon.

{What? It’s still January. I can do one of these posts if I want.}

Clutter makes me stabby.

When I look around and see a big pile of laundry next to the leaning tower of unfiled receipts…I want to scream.

Clutter also paralyzes me.

Legos scattered down the hall and shoes littering the kitchen floor make me want to curl up in a ball and cry. I get overwhelmed and feel like it can never be conquered.

So I turn to the DVR and a bag of cookies and settle into my comfy butt grooves on the couch.

Clutter robs me of my sanity, my health, my money, and my happiness.

I’m putting an end to it.

My theme for the year is SIMPLE.

{I wrote that in caps because sometimes I scream it in my head whilst throwing away piles of my husband’s college notes.}

I’m not just talking about de-cluttering my house.

I want to simplify every aspect of my life – from social media to my fat arse.

If I don’t love it…I’m tossing it.

If I can’t wear it…I’m tossing it.

If it’s broken…I’m trashing it.

If it’s a toxic friendship…I’m ending it.

If it’s an obligation rather than a choice…I’m not doing it.

I’m probably being a Pollyanna to assume I can just say it and make it so.

But that’s ok.

It will probably take more than a year.

And that’s ok, too.

I’m getting started right now and I’ll {probably} be sharing my progress {or lack thereof} here.

Did you choose a theme for 2012?

Take this job and shove it.

Posted on January 9, 2012 by admin

Jobs I’ve Had (in chronological order)

1. McDonald’s Worker.

Lasted 2 weeks. I quit in a flurry of tears when the owner screamed at me to “GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE FRY MACHINE!”

2. Yearbook Photographer’s Assistant.

This consisted of sitting on my arse and chatting with the photographer about his favorite topic, Liz Taylor, and scoping out the, erm, student body for potential dates. Best. Job. Ever.

2. Waitress at Shoney’s.

Ended badly as I slipped on a wet floor {no Caution sign, I should have sued} and ground a glass into my knee. My one and only experience with Worker’s Comp but not my only experience with flashing a room full of hillbillies. (That’s a whole ‘notha Oprah.}

3. Waitress at Country Apple Something Or Other.

This job lasted a couple of weeks and the restaurant didn’t stay in business much longer than that. It was so horribly organized.

One morning the cook and I were the only two employees to show up for work. I didn’t know how to run the cash register and gave free meals if customers didn’t have cash.

4. Babysitter for twin toddlers and a baby.

One morning I showed up with a killer hangover and a hickey shaped like Florida. Suddenly, I wasn’t needed anymore.

5. Worked in the special collections archive at the college library.

I shredded old scripts from the local tv station All. Day. Long. This was the pre-ipod era. It was so boring. Also, the old books were musty and I sneezed my head off.

6. Speech-Language Pathologist at the school where my mother was the principal.

This is on the list of Things We Don’t Talk About.

7. Brownie Troup Leader.

Same year as #6. I was 22 years old and couldn’t even take care of a houseplant. I have no idea why anyone entrusted me with those children. We did have fun though.

8. Speech-Language Pathologist at a nursing home.

Where I numbed my sense of smell, saw my first geriatric penis, and learned what pureed bread looks like.

9. Wife.

Unpaid chef, waitress, and maid. Who could ask for anything more?

10. Mom.

I never knew how long I could live without sleep and sex till I had kids.

Visit The Good Life to link up.

Friday Fragments

Posted on January 6, 2012 by admin

Mommy's Idea

Last night Zach announced, “I feel like puberty is going to hit me any minute now. There are signs, you know.” I quickly changed the subject. (So not ready for this.)

I tried to brush my teeth with Retin-A. In related news my teeth will be wrinkle-free yet very sensitive to sunlight.

Jackson is now a Biggest Loser fan. We have never watched the show before. This week he FORCED me to watch it because I “need the inspiration”. He munched on sour cream and onion Lays, Snickerdoodles, and cheese whilst heckling the contestants and attempting to convince me to audition for the next season.

At 9 years old, Jackson refuses any sort of affection from me. No kisses, hugs, snuggles in bed. NOTHING. This is the child that was attached to me via umbilical cord for a good 7 years. At this point I’m waiting on grandchildren and told him that. He said, “Well you aren’t getting any babies from me. They are WAAAAY too much trouble. I’m going to adopt an 8 year old and I’m not getting married either. That seems like a hassle.”

My weekend plans include a 9 am appointment at the optometrist for both boys. These are children who enjoy sleeping till 11 on Saturdays. (And I enjoy their sleeping, too!) One guess as to who made these cruel appointments. (Hint: He lives with us but is allergic to waking before 9 am.)

Another weekend highlight is perming my mother’s hair. No, it isn’t 1985 and I haven’t completely lost my mind. I’m sure I will have lost that and my inheritance by the time that fiasco is over.

Websites I’m currently crushing on:

Pinterest, You Are Drunk

Old Love

Ugly Houses

Visit Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissin’ Time to link up your own Friday Fragments.

I Resolve To Stop Making Resolutions

Posted on January 2, 2012 by admin

10 Resolutions I’ll Never Keep

1. Lose weight.

Oh, I might lose a pound or two. But I’ll probably gain back 10 or 15. Lather, rinse, repeat every year. sigh

2. Exercise regularly.

I might do ok for a week or two but I’ll be back on the couch before the next season of DWTS or Idol starts.

3. Stop watching so many horrible television shows.

Not going to happen. If I gave up reality tv, I’d have even less to discuss with my co-workers. We don’t want to focus on work now, do we?

4. Be a better mother.

I’ll start being a better mother when they start being more obedient and less sassy mouthed. Which is to say never. At this point, I’m looking forward to screwing up my grandchildren and calling my kids a loss.

5. Be a better wife.

See #4 and substitute “obedient” with “attentive” and “sassy mouthed” with “lazy”.

6. Stop shopping online.

I don’t like leaving my house unless I have to and online shopping is so convenient. Plus, my UPS guy is cute. What can I say?

7. Become more aware of politics/world events.

If it’s not worthy of People magazine, I don’t really care. These days I get most of my news via Facebook.

8. Stop wasting so much time online.

No explanation needed.

9. Reconnect with people from my past.

They are in my past for a reason.

10. Go back to school and get a degree in something…

not sure what…it doesn’t matter because I’m not going to do it. Mah brain is too old, y’all.

Visit The Good Life to link up your own list.

Meme, Schmeme. Happy New Year.

Posted on December 29, 2011 by admin

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Quit my meds cold turkey. I don’t recommend it.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I have no willpower.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friends are all a wee bit too old for that nonsense.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Does the pet hamster count?

5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A waist. Or one chin (as opposed to 3).

6. What countries did you visit?

Bermuda on a family vacation. Same result as going cold turkey on my meds only with more drinking.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I have fibromyalgia. I don’t remember much of anything these days.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

*crickets*

9. What was your biggest failure?

The great hard drive crash.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing major.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Spa days. Multiple spa days.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Nothing fun – the grocery store, credit card bills, utilities.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My husband bought me gifts for Mother’s Day, my birthday, and anniversary this year. Firsts for all three. (We’ve only been married 15 years. He’s a little slow.)

14. What song will always remind you of 2011?

My son’s auto-tuned version of “Hitler Has One Big Ball”. It’s as awesome as you would imagine.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder

ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter

iii. richer or poorer? About the same.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Writing.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Being miserable and bitchy.

18. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I’m married. Those days are long gone for me.

19. How many one-night stands?

Do my naughty dreams about Jon Hamm count?

20. What was your favorite TV program?

American Horror Story and Parks and Recreation.

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

I don’t hate anyone.

22. What was the best book you read?

Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand (So far I’ve read 125 books this year.)

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

My son, the auto-tune maestro.

24. What did you want and get?

A Keurig.

25. What was your favorite film of this year?

Bridesmaids and Crazy, Sexy, Love.

26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

41. Worked then went out to dinner with the husband and kids. Super exciting. *eye roll*

27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Winning the lottery.

28. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

Comfy pants rule.

33. What kept you sane?

Nothing. That’s the problem.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Back that shit up. (Computer stuff, that is.)

34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

The world needs people like you and me who’ve been knocked around by fate.
‘Cause when people see us, they don’t want to be us, and that makes them feel great.

You and me!
Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place…
Making the world a better place…
Making the world a better place…
To be!

{Schadenfreude from Avenue Q.}

Go visit Aunt Becky to link up your own answers.

The 10 Eff You’s of Christmas

Posted on December 26, 2011 by admin

Yes, I am well aware that Christmas is over.

“Have blog. Will bitch” is what I always say.

{Actually this is the first time I ever said/wrote that.}

So here is my ever so fascinating list of things that irked me/are continuing to irk me this Christmas:

1. Jackson lost his new 3DS games the day after we opened presents. They are *somewhere* in my mother’s house. Or my house. Or the car. Or the parking lot at Kroger. Or…(you get the picture).

2. Zach complained that ‘all he got’ was an android tablet (plus keyboard, stylus, case, etc.). The android tablet he begged us for.

The android tablet we stood in line for

(outside Best Buy on Black Friday)

(when it was 27 degrees outside)

(and we were surrounded by hillbillies).

3. Almost every member of the family is sick. (Except my husband, thank God, because the last thing I need is to hear him whining.)

4. My brother wasn’t happy with my gift to his daughters. I gave them cash. He would have preferred gift cards. I’ll let you guess what they’ll be getting next year.

5. He gave my boys VERY generous gift cards to Game Stop. That was super nice, yada, yada, yada.

The only problem?

My oldest never shops at Game Stop; he doesn’t play video games.

Now I get to pay him for the gift card and my youngest will spend double the amount on annoying games (which he will probably lose).

6. My MIL sent Zach a check for his Christmas present. Zach wanted the money to buy accessories for his computer (or some sort of geekary I don’t understand).

That was super nice, yada, yada, yada.

However, she included a passive aggressive note with the check.

7. Due to having some repairs in my basement (and to a handyman who is a dumbass) there is drywall dust EVERYWHERE. Guess who gets to spend Christmas break dusting/cleaning Lego’s, Matchbox cars, and all manner of playroom flotsam and jetsam?

8. My children have spent the last week watching America’s Funniest Home Videos via Netflix. They’re finding the show very inspiring.

That’s all I have to say about that.

9. My MIL gave me a diaper bag for Christmas.

I’m 41 years old and my husband had a vasectomy 9 years ago.

*crickets*

10. We get to do this all again in less than a year.

Happy Festivus from the Notso Awesome House

Posted on December 20, 2011 by admin

The Top 9 Happenings of 2011

{Yay-Boo Style}

9. The great basement floods of May.

Yay: We fixed the problem.

Boo: Dreams of an indoor swimming pool have been dashed.

8. Zach had a successful year on the Academic Team. (First place at the 6^th Grade Showcase in science and quick recall.)

Yay: That roll off the bed as a baby didn’t seem to do any permanent damage.

Boo: I have no idea what he’s talking about 90% of the time

7. Jackson had tympanoplasty to repair his perforated eardrum.

Yay: The surgery was a success.

Boo: Now we know he can hear and is, in fact, just ignoring us.

6. My parents moved to Kentucky in July.

Yay: Two words – free babysitting.

Boo: I’m not allowed to say for fear that they’ll go back to Flordia.

5. We went on a cruise to Bermuda with my in-laws family.

Yay: Booze was readily available.

Boo: I needed a lot to deal with the in-laws and it wasn’t cheap.

4. Mr. Awesome spent many hours submitting videos to You Tube Time Machine.

Yay: Less time for sex.

Boo: crickets

3. I worked twice as many hours this year.

Yay: My butt-shaped indentation on the couch is almost gone.

Boo: I miss my days on the couch.

2. We celebrated our 15^th wedding anniversary this year.

Yay: That’s 76.19 Kardashians.

Boo: In this case celebrate = working and going to the pizza buffet for dinner (with the kids)

1. The kids became history buffs.

Yay: I love nerds.

Boo: Every dinner includes a discussion about Hitler. {And much inappropriate musing about whether or not he truly had one big ball.}

In lieu of sending all 3 of you a present, here’s my favorite tip of the year: Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.

Trauma is in the eye of the beholder

Posted on December 18, 2011 by admin

It’s hard for me choose the most traumatic event of the last 6 months.

(Because I’m a drama queen.)

(Or because I have very bad luck.)

Anywhine,

(Are we having fun yet? Aren’t you glad I came back?)

…my computer crashed.

This wasn’t a wee crash that my Steve- Jobs- wannabe son could fix.

My hard drive died.

Completely.

Dead.

I lost:

everything I’ve ever written (except for a few blog posts that are still lingering).
all of my pictures.
all of my recipes.
most of my family tree information.
all of my reports for work.
various and sundry emails, ideas, notes, etc.
my mind.

No, I hadn’t backed anything up.

Yes, I did see that episode of Sex and the City.

(My Motherboard, Myself)

Yes, one of my goals for 2011 WAS to back up all of the family’s computers.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Yes, I cried.

Yes, I’m still sad.

Yes, I do yammer on ALL THE TIME about fresh starts and other bullshit like that.

This does not feel like a fresh start.

It feels like a part of me died.

*insert dramatic pause here*

But here I go again.

Not gyrating on a car ala Tawny Kitaen but tippity typing away as if I still have something to say.

Sadly, I may have lost my voice on that hard drive, too.

Clearly I’m Lost

Posted on December 17, 2011 by admin

Don’t you hate those posts that start with “Sorry I haven’t been around in so long. Blah, blah, blah”?

Me, too.

But what else do you say when you haven’t written a blog post in 6 months?

shrugs

I’ve been busy working and going crazy.

I’ve written about 103 blog posts in my head.

(You would have really liked them.)

Why am I posting on this long-defunct site?

Long-story-short, I have no idea in hell how to log in to Snuggle Wasteland so I’ll now be (however sporadically) over here.

(Round world, going in circles, yada, yada, yada.)

Stick around. I hope to be back.

13 Ways to Overcome Writer’s Block

Posted on April 22, 2011 by admin

Originally posted on June 1, 2010

Why thirteen? Because that’s as long as my screaming kids and neurotic husband would allow me to write in peace.

1. Call your mother.

That should give you something to complain about.

2. Pick a fight with your husband.

Write about what a jerk he is and how never/always ____________. insert your complaint here

3. Go to Wal-Mart.

Blog about:

horrible customer service
weirdos loitering
hillbillies neglecting their children

Or just take pictures of all the trucks with golden gonads hanging from their trailer hitches. You might get lucky and find a veiny one.

4. Have lunch with your child in his/her school cafeteria.

Write about your frustrations with the nutritional value being dished out. Or you can complain about the gastritis you’ll get from eating that crap.

5. Take your child to the park.

Blog about the people

smoking
cursing into their cell phones
ignoring their children
letting their dogs poo everywhere and hump strangers’ legs

OR try to squeeze your fat arse on the swings and write about the binging and depression that result.(Just me? Oops.)

6. Take a leisurely drive during rush hour traffic.

Convert your road rage into a blog post.

7. Take pictures of the messes your family leaves for you to clean up.

Post on Wordless Wednesday. Show these pictures to the slobs in your house and blog their reaction on Thursday.

8. Watch the Hills (or any other cringe worthy reality show).

Blog about how stupid it is.

Or write a pitch for your own reality show. This could be a recurring schtick.

9. Follow Spencer Pratt on Twitter.

Write about:

what a douchecanoe he is
how creepy his flesh colored facial hair is
your stance on his divorce from Heidi

10. Watch some porn.